Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
