you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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