i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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