I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
