Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize