Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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