A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You may now shotgun with the bride
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
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