i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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