He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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