Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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