I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
