I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize