You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
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