dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
