The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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