I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
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