I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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