Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
