forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
