sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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