DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
