24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
