I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
