I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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