i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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