she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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