this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
