I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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