I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
