Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
