Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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