She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
