My sheets look like a crime scene.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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