They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
