I hate all girls vehemently.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
