I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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