I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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