woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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