I'm sorry my penis didn't work
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
