My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
