this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
