I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
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