Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
