my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
