if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
