I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
