Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
