the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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