Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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