Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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