if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize