I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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