I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
