We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
