dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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