well I can't set my house on fire every night
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The struggles of a small town man whore
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It's shark week go big or go home
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
