On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
