i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
