woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
