U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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