im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
