my room smells like sperm. sweet.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
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