made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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