I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize