So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize