Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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