Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
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