I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
