Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
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